How to replace a radiator in 49 steps (and counting)
Author: Canoncowgirl // Category: conversations with inanimate objects, insanity, Ol' Blue, random adventures, you can't make this shit up1) Receive the radiator in the mail. It sure is shiney and pretty.
2) Begin removing hoses and unbolting the old radiator. Easy!
3) Realize that there are only three bolts to remove from the radiator and there should be four. Decide to worry about that later.
4) Don't consider that once you finish unbolting radiator it will not be attached to the truck & watch as radiator falls into engine compartment and gets stuck in the frame.
5) Use herculean strength to unstick and remove the radiator. Shewoman grrrr!
6) Realize that more hands are neccecary and get help mounting the new radiator. So much easier with help!
7) Realize that there are still only three bolts while bolting in new radiator...decide to worry about that later.
8) The last step is to replace the hoses, tighten the hose clamps and pat yourself on the back for a job well done.
Except...
9) Realize that the old hoses do not fit on the new radiator (too streached out)
10) Go to the autoparts store for a new hose.
11) They don't have the correct hose.
12) Have them special order the correct hose.
13) Pick up the hose you orderd only to take it home and realize that it is actually NOT the correct hose.
14) Hack off the end of the old hose and MAKE it work.
15) Step back and proudly observe your new radiator fully attached and ready to go.
16) Start to fill radiator with anti-freeze...
and watch as it empties out of your engine block like there's an enormous hole in it.
17) Panic.
18) Run and find a flashlight
19) Observe that there actually IS an enormous hole in your engine.
20) Run inside screaming that you're missing some integral part of your engine.
21) Continue running in circles as Dad calmly asks if you blew a freeze plug.
22) Your engine has blown a freeze plug (a $2 part)
23) Call auto parts store and tell them you need a new freeze plug
24) Auto Parts store clerk is confused by what you mean my "freeze plug" wants to sell you an engine heater
25) Explain that it is not an engine heater, its a little brass disc that falls out of your engine when it gets freezing cold and then scares the shit out of you when you go to put anti-freeze in your new radiator
26) This somehow generates more confusion and clerk asks if you mean spark plugs.
27) Ask the clerk if he has had a problem with spark plugs leaping out of his engine block recently.
28) Clerk FINALLY figures out what a freeze plug is. They dont have one in stock.
29) Find another auto parts store that not only knows what a freeze plug is, but has one in stock.
30) Go to buy it and get it for free (most likely because you're cute)
31) Go home and do a crappy job at hammering the freeze plug back into your engine block. 32)Blame the bad angle and cramped space for your crappy hammering, but realize that its probably just your shitty hammering skills.
33) Dont trust your crappy freeze plug hammering enough to put anti-freeze in the radiator
34) Wait several days
35) Finally ask for hammering assistance from dad.
36) Dads hammering skills far outweigh yours and after a couple of wacks he announces "DONE!" your truck is ready to drive!
Which is when you notice that you've lost the freeze plug on the OTHER side of the engine.
37) Repeat steps 22-30 then do a better job at hammering it in yourself.
38) Victory is yours! Fill the new radiator with anti-freeze, no leaks to be seen!
39) Hop in the cab to start the engine
40) realize one of two things:
1) Your keys are not on the dash where they should be and 2) somewhere between step 22 and step 39 your truck interior has been covered in mildew.
41) Lose. Your. Shit. Everything in the cab gets thrown out and/or torn out
42) Take out anger for mold on the cheap seat cover and the shitty, torn up origional floor mats. You were going to tear them out eventually anyway right?
43) Be shocked that the seat under the seat cover is green vinyl...what?
44) Use bleach cleaner on EVERYTHING.
45) Go crazy from the fumes and acutally start to think that the truck had planned all this just so you two would spend some quality time together.
46) Imagine truck singing "Precious and few are the moments we two can share"
47) Yell at the truck to stop singing and get caught by the neighbors.
48) Step back, panting, from your cleaning frenzy and realize that as ugly as the truck's interior is right now, it's probably cleaner than it's been in years.
49) Congratulations, the radiator is attached, the engine block is properly plugged, and the interior is habitable! You're ready to drive except for one. minor. detail...
where the hell did I put my keys?
Editors Note: Step 49 ended earlier today and I still haven't found my keys. I've decided that eating valentines day peanut m&ms while rocking back and forth in fetal position is a better use of my time. And besides, I'm not going to let the fact that I can't currently drive my truck take away from my victory...whatever that was...
EDIT: 50) Find keys in a bag filled with almond roca. Of course they're in a bag with almond roca, why wouldn't they be.
51) Climb into your bleach smelling (but not mildew-y!), multi-colored vinyl cab, and turn the key.
52) Discover that the battery is dead. Ooooof course it is....
Imagining the truck singing sounds fun, but I still think you should have called a mechanic.
Wheres the fun in that? Plus, even though this is a million or so step process, most of the time I'm too damn obstinate to admit defeat (and hiring a mechanic is admitting defeat by the way haha). Some time I'll write about how I moved a full sized couch out of a house and loaded it into a van entirely by my self just to prove that I could lol